Moody Mommy

I've been compiling this post for a few weeks in my head, but haven't had the chance to put it all down into words in here. I have finally admitted to myself and my family that I need to get some counselling.

I have been having some issues with stress. I know it's normal to have some stress being at home with 2 busy kids and a puppy, but I have recently come to realise that some days I just feel like I can't handle it and that's when I feel alot of anxiety. I'm sure it's a common mommy problem because we're always trying to be everything to everyone.

I have found myself snapping at Ceili and Matt for no reason and I can't even catch myself before I do it which worries me. WhenI get mad like that, I feel like I'm not even myself. My family doesn't deserve to be yelled at which is why I am going to the doctor to be referred to a counsellor. I feel so guilty for doing it and it makes me feel like such a terrible mom.

Part of my issue is exhaustion. When I have had a long night and been up multiple times with Abbey then up early in the morning I definitely have a shorter fuse. I know that I put too many expectations on myself like laundry, dishes, cleaning, taking care of the kids and dog, walking the dog, etc all in one day but if I don't feel accomplished I feel like I'm not doing my "job" since I'm at home with the kids right now. Matt says "are the kids cared for?" when I say "yes" then he says, "well you're doing your job then! The other stuff isn't important" but I guess I like to try and exceed expectations.

I am hoping with someone unbaised to talk to I can spill out all of the feelings and thoughts I have sitting inside my head and start to try to deal with the unnecessary stress so I can start fresh. I want to be the best mommy and wife possible which is why I'm seeking help. I love my girls and husband too much to make them have to live life walking on eggshells.

Remembering Grandpa T

Last Saturday, my husband Matt called his sister to see if she wanted to get together since we hadn't seen her in a long time. She mentioned that his Grandpa in Ontario had passed away that day.

His grandpa was 94 years old and suffering from dementia. His grandma had recently made the decision to put him into a nursing home because he had a hard time even knowing what time of day it was. He would wake up at 1am thinking it was lunchtime and turn on the stove to cook. Not the safest thing for someone with trouble remembering to do.

My parents were nice enough to buy all 3 of us plane tickets last May so we went to visit them. We had always wanted to, but could never afford the $3000+ for plane tickets. We had such a nice visit with them. I had never met either of them before because they had always been too ill and elderly to fly. His grandma was such a sweet little lady. As soon as we stepped in the door she was offering us cake and tea! His grandpa was also a very nice man- full of stories from his past and love for his great grandaughter. He kept insisting that she take things of theirs that she showed interest in home, like a magnifying glass with a light in it! We had to keep reminding him who Ceili was, but he admired her so much. He kept saying "who is that sweet little girl?". I'll never forget the moment when Ceili stopped being so standoffish with him and they started driving toy cars up and down eacother's arms and laughing. It was precious!

Sadly, his day came and I'm sure Grandma T is very heartbroken as are we. They were the love of eachother's lives, they knew eacother from the time they were children. I had lost all of my grandparents before I even met Matt. He is lucky to have had his grandpa in his life for 33 years and I know that he realizes that too.

Routine is Our Thing

After 6 months of having a crazy, unpredictable sleeping schedule I have finally gotten Abbey into a routine and she seems to have taken to it better than expected!

I have to admit, I coddled her way more than I did Ceili, our oldest. I think it's because I know she is our last baby and I wanted to hold onto that so badly and as long as possible. Now I have realised that I have to let go, just a little bit and let her have her own space to grow and discover.

We now have a routine for both girls. Abbey starts her nap at noon and Ceili starts her's at 1pm and bedtime is around 9pm for both of them. Abbey started to be so crabby when we were trying to keep her up later, so one evening I just decided to put her in her crib and see what she did. Well, she cried for a few minutes then rolled onto her side and fell asleep! What a surprise to me! I expected the same fight as with our oldest where she would scream and kick as soon as she saw me leave the room.

Over the past 4 years I have come to understand that routine is our thing in our house. Without it, I think we would be in complete chaos. If my children skip a nap or get to bed too late, they are complete monsters and it makes our day so much more stressful. I have had so many people say to me in the past "Does she have to be in bed at that time?" or "can't she just skip a nap?". To that, I say we are in a routine that works for us, it keeps my kids happy and healthy and mommy and daddy aren't insane because we never spend any time on our own.

4 Years Ago...

This weekend (on Canada Day) our first baby girl, Ceili will be 4 years old. I can't believe how fast the past 4 years have gone by. When I think about the day she was born, I realise how much I have changed since I became "Mommy" to someone. I don't know what life would be like if I was not a mother, I would probably be bored and unfulfilled. I have never felt such a strong love and attachment to anyone or anything. She a very special little piece of me. Every day I feel a sense of pride because I created a beautiful, smart little human being with a heart as big as she is! She makes me laugh and helps me see the world differently- through a child's innocent eyes. I have my daughters to thank for these gifts and I definitely will never forget that! Thank you and Happy 4th Birthday my little Ceili- Bean!

Plus Boots Makes 5!

We had been looking at the local rescues and humane society for a dog for a while. We had decided that we wouldn't get a new dog until after we got home from Cuba. Well, we started a serious search a few weeks ago and met our perfect match on Monday evening!

He was found with his mom and brothers and sisters at an indian reserve and his mother was quite sick. She had no food or water and was basically whithering away to feed her pups. Him and his siblings were put into a foster home in the city while their mom was in another because she needed special care for her mastitis and wounds. He was the last of the litter left and he melted our hearts! He kissed and played with Ceili and we knew he was the one! He came with the name Sebastian, but we thought it was too long. Last night on our walk around the neighborhood, Ceili said "I want to call him Boots". He does happen to have light brown spots on his feet and legs. So we think this will be his name.

I'm so happy that our little girls have a dog to call their own. I remember having such a special bond with my dog as a child. He was my little buddy even when I was being teased at school and felt like I had no one else to hang out with. He was always there for me.

He is only 10 weeks old now, so he's still in the puppy phase with the chewing things, hyper moments and he's not housetrained (I think we should buy stocks in paper towel and cleaning wipes!). It seems like complete chaos in our house right now while we adjust, but I know it will get easier and he will fit right in here!

The Thompsons Go to Cuba!

We made it to Cuba and home safely...barely!

Our flights there were quite good, Ceili enjoyed the movies and TV on the plane and all of the snacks and toys I packed for her. Abbey alternated between nursing and sleeping most of the time with an explosive poop here and there but it wasn't so bad. I even got to watch the movie "The Help" which was an excellent one!

Cuba was beautiful. It was +30 on average and the humidity was between 85-100% every day. We spent most of our mornings on the beach which was only a few steps from our hotel room (awesome!) and in the afternoon we had a siesta and normally went to the pool. Abbey didn't enjoy the sand at the beach so much. Nursing isn't so easy when there are granules of sand in your mouth and your big sister runs by and sand flies into your face! I think Abbey's favorite part were the siestas in the air conditioned hotel room. Ceili couldn't get enough of the beach, I think every kid would love to spend all day making sand castles and playing in the warm ocean. All of us except for Abbey got a bit of a sunburn and a tan and now we're peeling like snakes.

We hired a guide, Michael to take us into town for a day trip. He took us to the zoo in town, a market, the crocodile farm and a few shops that the Cubans shop at. It was really sad to see the lack of choice they have for food, clothes and items for their homes. For example, one store we stopped at had a few large cans of tomatoes, some beer and pop and the rest was bare shelves. It really makes you appreciate what we have here and how much money we have compared to them. We were glad that we brought the stroller and carseat to give away to someone there after we saw the lack of baby products in the stores. We gave the stroller to a man that worked at the pizza restaurant at our resort that had two girls almost the exact same ages as our girls. The carseat was given to a lady that worked at the Asian restaurant and was due to have her baby girl in mid-June. She just adored Abbey and would pick her up and snuggle her whenever she had the chance.

Matt went out on a deep sea fishing trip on his own one morning. I told him that he had to go because I know he has always wanted to. He had a fantastic time. They speared a stingray that was about 5' across! Little did they realise, the stingray was pregnant and as it lay on the boat it gave birth to a bunch of babies. All of the babies survived and were put back into the ocean. The mama was enough food for a bunch of them at the marina to share, so I think they were pretty happy. I was mad at Matt when I found out that he killed a mama stingray, but I guess how were they to know?

We also went to a beautiful beach called Pilar Beach one morning. The water was such a beautiful aqua color and sand was so fine and white. I thought it was terrible that we had to pay $2 for a lounge chair, but we had an amazing time there. There were tons on angel fish which appeared when Abbey spit up in the water! There were also gar fish that swam all around us and they must have been around a foot long each. The water was so clear, you could see everything!

Our flight home was far too exciting for my liking. We were supposed to fly from Cuba to Toronto. We ended up flying from Cuba to Miami and landing. At one point I looked out of my window and said to Matt "Why are we so

low....are we even flying or are we on the ground?" I could see a city's lights right out my window. Not really below us, but more beside us. Finally after about 30 minutes of me wondering what was going on, the captain comes onto the speaker and tells us what is going on. They were flying so low because there was a cabin pressure problem on the plane and they were trying to fix it. If they would have gone much higher we would have been low on oxygen and the masks would have popped out of the ceiling. Needless to say, they couldn't fix it so they had to get rid of fuel by flying in circles and we finally landed in Miami about an hour later. I really felt lucky to be alive. If those pilots didn't know what they were doing, we wouldn't be here today! We ended up sitting on the tarmac for almost 2 hours while they figured out what they were doing then had to go through customs, get our bags and line up to get our hotel info. It was complete chaos and we finally got into our hotel room at 4:30am. We had to get up and get to the airport again before noon because our plane to Toronto left at 1:30pm. Our last plane ride from Toronto home was uneventful, thankfully and I am not overly excited to fly again in the near future!

I am THAT Mom

In a few weeks, we will be travelling to Cuba with both of our girls for a one week vacation. I am so excited, but ovewhelmed with packing! I think we're taking half of the house with us, but at least we'll be prepared.

While I was collecting 75 diapers and 3 packs of wipes I got to thinking about our very first trip to Cuba. It was just Matt and I and we went around 5 years ago. It was alot of fun. On the flight there, there was a small baby crying. I heard the mom talking about how excited they were for their vacation. I remember saying to Matt "why on earth would someone take their little baby on a flight all of the way to Cuba just for a vacation?". Now I'm that Mom! And, you know what? I have no regrets! Over the past 4 years, I have come to realise that we do not view our children as optional. Many parents take off without their kids every chance they get, but I want my kids to experience things like a swim in the ocean, feeding flamingos and different cultures and types of people. When I see my children experience those things, it makes me feel like I am experiencing them for the first time as well because I get to live it again through them. I understand parents who need a getaway once a year or so because us parents do deserve some alone time, but I hear of parents going on all- inclusives every few months and leaving their kids with grandma and that's just not us.

I have had a few revelations over the past few years regarding children that I never thought I would have. Another example is, I always saw mothers breastfeeding their babies without a cover in public and thought to myself "I would never do that, I'm too self conscious". And what do I do every time we go out and Abbey is hungry, I whip my boob out and feed her of course! My child needs to eat, so I don't care what anyone else may think!

I also carry a potty seat in our van, make my kids wear a leash when they're toddlers and are in public, have endured many, MANY tantrums in the middle of stores and do not give in which causes an even bigger scene.

Yepp...I'm that Mom and I don't care what people think of me because I do what's best for me and my kids and Matt and I are doing our best to raise smart, caring, healthy, independent children!